Urge of the human person

23:31
january 13, 2013

“urges”

love, attraction, lust, attachment
such emotions rule the hearts of people
and yet we venture through life so unprepared
so engulfed by these feelings
which haunt us every step of the way

like in any restaurant, we pay in the end
we may or may not be able to handle the bill
but in the end, we all have to pay

the price may be to high for some
some may not believe the cost
some may be outraged by the amount
some may try to bargain the fee
some may just sulk
but in the end, we all have to pay
a broken friendship, a broken ego
a broken heart or a broken hymen

and yet, some are able to afford
astounded, some are willing to afford

why would some be willing to spend so much?
to give something so valueable?

because value is in the eye of the beholder

2013th revolution of the earth

january 1, 2013
00:25

for the past couple of years, i’ve celebrated my new
years in a different way.
new years, have always been a time for me to reflect.
reflect about the good things i have been fortunate enough to receive
but for this year, it is different

the day started like every day of my christmas break this year
me waking up unusually late, me groggy and weary
i felt every little change that has occured over the past 365 days
every little and every large adjustment i had to force myself to accept
all the friends that i love who drifted away
all the comforts of live that gone
all my goals that i was not able to accomplish
all the sadness that i feltall the personal struggles that i bear everyday
every last one of them i picked up again as i woke up
then i started my day like every day of my christmas break this year
all of them i planned to avoid

i wasn’t planning on writting anything this year
i guess i was at the point where i just wanted to concede
concede to the idea that things doesn’t seem to change
well i was so down that i didn’t feel like doing anything to help myself

5 minutes before midnight, my mother urged us to go out of the house
and light the little cache of fireworks my father kept from last year.
we were not even complete, limit was working new years eve
so the 4 of us lighted petty sparklers and shit like that
then i noticed how fireworks lighted the sky
it was so bright and so colorful
my mother and father was being their usual sweet selves
lighting fireworks together and enjoying the disply
as i saw my father enjoying the view
a distinct song played in my head.
rurouni kensihn – omoi (strings version)
then everything changed…

i felt a certain feeling that i have never felt for a long time
it was joy
seeing my family enjoy the simple fireworks that we had
enjoying the company of each other
i dont know… it is hard for me to explain
but when i saw my father as he held his little firework,
and see the amazing display at his back
i was overwhelmed…
even if i dwell on all the sad things that i feel right now
i’m still lucky. i’m lucky to have my family
i’m lucky that i am able to take time and appreciate life with them

thank you 2012th time the earth revolved around the sun
thank you philippines
thank you dominic gatdula pascual

Welcome back night

December 29, 2012
02:21

Welcome back night, it has been a while since we’ve stared at each others face.
Why is it when you most need your sleep, “insomnia” kicks in?
“insomnia”? Yeah right. The mindfucking thoughts that you have been running away from just caught up with you.
All the things you fear.
All the things that hurt you but you we’re too proud to admit.
All the things that haunt you.

Dreadful things.
Loneliness.
Being lonely and alone.
Rejection by your so called friends
Being left by your friends
Selfpitty.

Oh the thoughts of a young, “intellectual”, “artistic”, “writer” written and published for all the other “intellectual” etc. To see.

10 more things about me

october 29, 2012
15:22

this is the second wave of questions i got from miss panalyah… i hope answering 
these questions will help people understant/know me a little bit more.

1. What kind of art are you into?
art? art? what is art? haha when ever i answer things like this, i unconsiously 
analyze the questions. i look like i’m arguing with the questions. but i think i 
just want to be able to answer the questions properly and for me to do that, i need 
to understand the question asked first. hmm… going back to MY question, what is 
art? i believe that everything has an artistic (if i may use the term) side to it. 
the aesthetic work of this perfume bottle, the cool image this pair of sunglasses 
portray, even the artwork of the wrapper of this snack i’m eating now. everything 
is art, well in my opinion.

but to be a little bit more mainstream, i love music. the carpenters, the beatles, 
kanye west, bonethugs n harmony, cream, pantera, metallica, rush, black sabbath, 
yes, dream theater, arctic monkeys and a whole lot more. i’m not the type of person 
who just says that he loves music but all the music he listens to is pop music. i’m 
not saying that pop music is not good music or anything like that. i’m just saying 
that popular music is popular music. what about it do you actually love except for 
it being catchy?

i also enjoy going to museums and experiencing different artworks there. i’m not an 
art buff or anything like that. i dont know the difference between a van gogh and a 
picaso and other people famous artists. but, i still enjoy going to museums. i 
enjoy the quiet athmosphere. i enjoy seeing different kinds of art. paintings, 
digital art works, sculptures, post modern things. almost all kinds of art that i 
usually see in museums. i’m just not particularly a fan of pottery, portraits, 
dance. there are some more kinds of art that i dont particularly like, but i dont 
know what they are called.

2. Would you say you are in love with yourself?
in love with myself? maybe before… but not now… i’m unhappy with my life now. 
it is pathetic. i have a job, loving parents, fun brothers, i’m taking up my 
masters class, financially ok, relatively good health. almost everything everybody 
wants, but i’m still unhappy. disgusting me

3. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
myself? is this physical? mental, emotional? financial? or something about my life? 
anything about myself? maybe i need to be more positive. to have mental peace.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?
live anywhere in the world? some of the places i like to go to before i die is 
itally, japan and america. and what they have in common is that their food looks so 
great. :D i’d love to live in those places for a while so i may indulge. :D but if 
i really have to live in a place? i still live here in the philippines. most of my 
friends are here. most of my family are here. what else can you ask for? money? 
yeah, i want that too…

5. List 5 of your favorite movies, and why you love them.
oh man. i love movies so much and i dont think i can list just 5 movies. hmm… 
maybe what i can do is list 5 actors that i love?

 

one of my favorite actors may be al pacino. i love his passion and his intensity in 
movies. of course i’m going to mention “god father”. i love his facial expressions. 
i love how you can see his intensity on his face. i love his serious roles. i’m not 
a fan of some of his attempts in comedy. haha

next may be is kevin spacey. i love his roles and how he portrays them. he has this 
certain look that makes me think. he has a deep look that strikes me. the look that 
you know nothing and he has all the cards in his hands. the movie “Se7en” got me 
hooked on kevin spacey. also the movie “Usual Suspects”. watch those two movies if 
you like thrillers.

i also like tom hanks for some reason. hahaha i think it is the hopeless romantic 
in me. i love his movies with meg ryan. “sleepless in seatle” and “you’ve got mail” 
are the movies that i loved tom hanks. i like the “normal” guy meeting a normal 
girl and crap like that.

 

(btw, i got the pictuer on deviant art)

my guilty pleasure actor is nicolas cage. i dont know why but i like this guy’s 
movies. during the 1990s and some early 2000s. haha i dont like some of his 
relatively new works like “national treasure” and things like that. one of my 
favorite movies of him are “8mm” and “bringing out the dead”. “8mm” is one of the 
first movies that i loved when i was a young boy. i remember that i watched it on a 
local channel and i remembered the title of the movie because i really liked it. i 
downloaded it when i was in college and it is still one of my favorite movies of 
all time.

last but not the least is alfred hitchcock. haha yeah yeah he is not an actor. i 
love his style and his “macguffins”. (look it up in wikipedia or better yet, watch 
some of his movies) “lifeboat”, “strangers on a train”, “dial m for murder” and my 
personal guilty pleasure, “dr.strangelove”

6. If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
i’ve always fantasized about this when i was a child. up to now, i’m consistent in 
my answer. i’ve always wanted to control time. i wanted to stop time and go back in 
time. i could just imagine the power. bwahahahah evil laugh. hmm… i always 
imagined that i will rob banks and cheat on exams so that life will be easy for me. 
i’ve never really looked into what might happen to me if i have this “power”. but 
hey fuck it, if i have that much power, i’ll just cheat through life. ofcourse some 
things must be done properly. like enjoy time with friends, skateboarding and 
things like that. i also want to stop time so that i’ll finally have enough time 
for the things i like. reading and sleeping. haha

7. What would your ideal holiday be like?
hmm… that is a tough one. maybe the question is about a vacation? i mean, a trip? 
i love beaches (with an “ea”) and i love the tranquility i feel when i’m there. so 
maybe my ideal holiday is sitting on a beach chair, smoking a cigarette, drinking 
red wine (i’m not particular) and having a lovely discussion with someone. ofcourse 
the ideal is to be with someone i love. but saddly, that person does not exist 
anymore. my former flame, the person who i was with for 4 years now has a partner. 
not that i disapprove or anything like that. i’m really happy for her because i 
know that she is really happy now. my first love also has change so much that i 
dont know her anymore and we are not talking. so i dont know who i’d love to be 
with but i guess that part is a mistery now…

8. Do you believe in any faith/religion?
no. faith is the belif in something without proof. i’m not the type of person who 
believes in something without proof. i believe that religion was created and is 
maintained to keep people in check. i believe that religion was created to teach or 
to guide people between right and wrong. i believe that religion was created to be 
able to give hope to the hopeless. i am a person who knows how to show respect. and 
i show respect where respect is due.

9. What was your favourite subject in school?
when i was in gradeschool and highschool, my favorite subject was dismissal. haha 
but when i was in college, i enjoyed my psychology courses for two things. one is 
that i really enjoy learning about the theories about how people think. i enjoy 
reflecting about the things i see and the things i’ve learned. the second reason is 
that since it is a lecture class, i am forced to sit down on my chair for 3 hours 
on end. it gave me time to write. i would write essays and poems at the back of my 
notebooks. i’ve filled many notebooks with a lot of these literary crap and i thank 
my classes for that. hahaha

10. Last but not least, tell me in your own words, what kind of person are you?
this might be the most difficult question here. i cant really say what kind of a 
person i am. based on the things people say about me, they say that i’m an rational 
person. they say that i’m a serious person. they also say that i’m a crazy person. 
i guess i agree with them. but i also like to see myself as a fun loving person who 
loves to reflect (sometimes too much), a person who enjoys meeting and talking with 
new people. i’m a person who wants to get as muuch as i can out of this life.

6 things about me

17:43
october 3, 2012

this is something i got from a miss panalyah here in wordpress. i cant remember how i found her blog here but it was really a good read for me and the questions were not your typical questions like how friendster used to be. so i was inspired to answer also. :)

1. What kind of women do you attract?
im not sure if i am able to attract a certain “kind” of woman or if i attract women at all. modesty aside, i feel i am able to attract women who want something different in their lives. something different but still dependible. i feel i’m that kind of guy. someone who brings something different to the table but the essentials like respect, being a gentleman and other things like that are still there. i’m not the macho alpha male type of person and i never wanted to be. but i feel that when i’m with someone, they will still feel safe. did i answer the question? haha

 

2. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?
not to offened anyone here, but i’m pro-choice. eversince i was young. and let me define what pro-choice for me is. it is the mother being able to have her unborn child aborted without question. i dont care if the reason is medical, financial, emotional and what have you. it shouldnt matter. because in sex, intercourse, lovemaking and fucking, no questions were asked. the mother has the right to choose whether she will have a baby or not. and if she gets pregnant accidentally, she should be able to choose not to have it. i feel the urge to have sex is innate to everyone and the ability to control this urge differs from person to person. meaning, sex is something that everybody must, will and will always have. but having a baby and a family is another thing. it should be another choice.

3. If you had a child, what would you like it’s gender to be? What would you name it?
as of this moment, i have no urge to have children. i’m scared of the future. my parents were able to provide me with everything and if i will be able to bear a child, i want to be able to provide him with the best as my parents did for us. hmm… if i would have a child, i feel i want to have a daughter when she is still young. maybe up to 6 years old, girls would be cute. :p and i would name her annie. but if i were to have a boy, i want to name him something like alexander. something that sounds strong.

4. If you had a choice to be anyone else who would you be and why?
hmm… maybe i would want to become a powerful religious leader. not that i adhere to any religious faith or anything like that, i just like the power to influence people in the way they think, the way they percieve life. political power is different from this. i think political power is sort of forcing people to obey you because of law and the theory of social exchange. religious power is just obeying the person on top of the totem pole. people who adhere to a certain religeous belief do not look at the rationale, they just accept it just because. faith.

5. If you could pick 3 values as a life mantra, what would they be and why?
mantra? what is a mantra? but based on the answers of miss panalyah, i’ll assume what a mantra means.

the first is passion. i believe that we must live a life where we are passionate about things. whatever your passion is, the important thing is that you are passionate about something. whether it be photography, blogging, your faith, fashion, politics, teaching, the important thing is that you are passionate about something. i may not agree with some of the things you are passionate about like fashion and things like that, i’m not really a fashionable person but i respect a person who is passionate about something. why i like people who are passionate about something? because i dont like people who are like just, whatever. people say i love music, but when you ask them, what kind of music, they would just say what ever i hear… haha

next is respect. simple as that. respect people WHO ARE RESPECTABLE. respect is something earned. it is not hard to earn respect. you just have to live a respectable life. give respect, earn respect. simple

last? i guess we have to try things. we must not be scared to do new things. especially while we are young. we must try new things. if we want to learn to cook, to bake, to skate, to swim, to have sex, to smoke, to drink. whatever our poison is, we have to try it. i hope i’ll never have the feeling that before i die, i want to do something more or i was not able to try something because i was scared or i convinced myself not to try something…

 

there are more questions and i’ll try to answer them next time. :D

One of those nights

23:16
October 19, 2012

I’m having one of those nights. Where you’re real sleepy, but you’re having a hard time sleeping. I lay my itouch to my side and try to sleep, but i pick it up “just for a little bit more, to keep me calm”. My mind is racing and i cant sleep. Even if i’ve been sick for 4 days already, i cant go to sleep. So much shit is going through my mind and i’m so tired already. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. And such a gloomy album is playing through my mind.

Pink Floyd – The Wall

Oh how i wish i could sleep.
I wish i can find peace

Hail Adele

23:52
October 8, 2012

I first heard the song “chasing pavements” by adel 2 days ago. The sister of my god daughter played it on her mobile phone and i fell in love with it. I know that i’m years late in appreciating adele’s soulfull and powerfull voice.

Her voice kept ringging in my head. It swallowed me. Her voice lingers in my heart and the passion in her voice made me realize something. That is something i can’t feel now. Passion…

Years ago, i could really say that i am an extremely passionate person. I would talk about photography and my experiences with it for hours on end. I would share my beliefs with so much fervour and zeal. My positions about so many issues. Political, relegious and especially moral concerns were among some of my favorite topics. Music, movies, politics and so much more. Those were things that i was passionate about. But now…

I just realized that i’ve not been passionate or excited about something for months or even years now. I just feel so empty and dull. I feel so lifeless. I cant feel if. I have so much good things going for me, i have so much good things in my life and yet i’m not the least excited…

I dont know if i have reached the point that i have gotten everything that life has to offer. I’m sure i havent but when i look at the things i have “accomplished”, i sometimes feel that i have experienced quite a lot. I’ve made 2 short films already that was honored in different universities. Hmm… I dont want to list down the things i have accomplished. I dont want to sound like i’m bragging… But anyways… There. I feel numb. I feel that i’m not getting excited anymore.

How about you?

Should i give up
Or should i just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere