Last Love Letter

14:12
August 7, 2011

Dear ______,

it has been a whild since I last wrote to anyone worth writing to, and I guess I’m trying to express the things that i was not able to say last Aug 4. I’m sure you have your doubts about my feelings and about my intentions and now I’m writting to you to clear up all of those. As I have said, my feelings for you and how I feel about you are sure. I don’t even have to think about it, I didn’t even second guess myself. It was very hard to put into words what I’m feeling and I guess the simplest way to say it is that I really do love you. From the bottom of my heart and with all my being. As cheeesy as it sounds, as cliche as every love story, this is how I feel. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if I may be the lucky guy to give it to you, I’d give it to you in a hearbeat. In the off chance that I may be the person who will be able to make you the happiest crazy person in the world, I’d love to be that guy to make you happy. I know that revealing my feelings for you is a big risk, of loosing communications with you, loosing our friendship for thirteen years, and ultimately loosing you… But in my heart, I know it’s worth the risk. Because I know that even if there is only a small chance for requited love, the rewards will be unimaginable. It’s really worth the risk _____ and I’m now risking all. I’m risking all because I love you. It is really hard not to fall in love with you. You’re a very strong person, a very honest person, you are very kind, very humble and you’re a real person. You’re a driven person. And you’re not driven by your libido, pride, nor greed. You’re driven by your heart. And that alone makes you a person of great worth and value. I know that you probably don’t believe anything I’ve said, but I believe that you trust and know me enough to know that what I say is true.

I knoow, and you’ve expressed enough, that you are scarred. That you are lost. Lost in the world of medicine that you so selflessly entered not for yourself, but for others. I understand that completely. I know that you have sacrificed time, sleep, personal life, social life, family life, love life, food and desires for others and now you have so little to offer others, and even to yourself if you choose to. I am not expecting nor demanding anythings. I told you that me being able to say that I love you now is enough for me. I’m not that of a martir that I don’t hope that you love me too. I hope, but not expect. You may be lost, tired, confused in your life but I hope that you’ll allow me to love you. Allow me to love you despite how you feel about your life and yourself. Allow me to feel as happy as I feel because I love you. And allow yourself to feel my love for you.

Oh how i wish that I’ll be the man to make you feel that you’re the happiest person in the world. How i wish that I am everything and more that you look for in a man. How I wish that I’ll be the man who you’ll turn to when you’re tired. How I wish I could be given the chance to take away all your pains and doubts. I wish that I’ll be the one to bring life back to your heart. I wish I am the one who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

But before anything else, I would like to thank you ______. Thank you for the past thirteen years of hardcore friendship. Through thick and thin, we kept our friendship alive. Since we were young, we grew up together (well, sort of) we shared stories, secrets, tears, laughter, joys and pain. And I always feel lucky to be your friend. You were and always have been honest, as in completely honest with me. And your honesty and openness has always been appreciated. When I think about it, I feel that I am one of the privilaged few that you really openn yourself up to. I really appreciate your honesty with me. Even at the brink of cheos, when I revealed my feelings for you, you were open and honest enough to say that you are lost and not ready to give an answer. I wasn’t able to express my appreciation for you honesty and calmness despite your reaction then. You weren’t hasty to make a decision right then and there that might have cause more harm than good. And for that ______, I thank you.

Hmm… But what if it was never ment to be, so to speak… Thatt would be OK. I’m not the type of person who would force myself on someone. If that would be the case, just please be honest with me. Tell me the truth and be blunt. Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt becasue hurting should be only felt if a person intendt to hurt another. And I know that that is the last thing on your mind… To hurt me. And if this would be the case _____, if things will not work out between us, I ask only one thing from you… If you don’t and can’t love me, that’s fine, but please allow me to love you still.
But what if ______, just what if you do love me too? How would/could that work out between us? Me being a teacher which practically means a different lifestyle compared to an 8 to 5 job, plus a masters student which means goodbye to my nights and weekends too. And you pursuiting your dreams to become a doctor, no need for further explanation. How could this work if ever? Well, in my mind, nothing really change. You’d still be the girl who doesn’t text or call much and have less timt for yourself. You’d go out with your friends, party then sleepless than you should. And I’ld still be here, patiently waiting for you. =) Texting you at times and stopping myself from texting so you won’t feel that I’m too clingy. I’d still battle with myself whenever I see you online in facebook whether I should message you or let you rest because I know that that is one of your few chances to rest. The only thing that would change, for the time being that is and if I’ld be so lucky, is that I’d know you love me, and that you’d know that I love you more…

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why do people have all the fun?

23:13

aug 28, 2012

i’ve been looking around the blogs here in wordpress and the blogs of people had me wondering.

why do they have so many cool pictures and i have none?

why do they have so much insight about things and i have none?

why do they have so many quirky videos and i have none?

why do they have so much energy to write and i have none?

why do they have so many views, comments and likes and i have none?

oh man… envy sucks

When Everybody Else Declines

23:10
August 19, 2012

Who do i run to when i need a friend?
Is there anybody out there?

The problem with me is that
i am a person who doesn’t really share with people.
I feel that my problems are not worth the attention of people.

I feel lonely. I want to run to the people i used to run to
but that ship has sailed.
I can not run to my former flame.
Aside from the fact that we are not together anymore,
that she is still busy as a bee
that she doesn’t have load,
that she now has a new flame,
she sometimes, most of the time, is too “preoccupied” to talk.
Oh man. That really brings you down a whole lot more.
It really makes you feel so alone and rejected and unwanted.

It is actually quite perplexing to think that i have helped so many people in their time of emotional need,
and now, when i am feeling down, there is no one here for me.
As much as possible, i dont want to count favors and shit like that
but during times of depression, i cant help but wonder,
where are they all now?

I want ro talk to someone. This fucking blog my only outlet.
The people that i am constantly in contact with are my babies.
People im helping out emotionally. I have become their confedant.
This inturn creates a relationship that revolves around their problems and needs.

I’ve always said that my friends are so lucky to have a friend like me.
Someone who wants to get to know them better.
Someone who will initiate a conversation with them,
Someone who will reply to their texts as soon as possible.
And whatthefuckever.
But me? I dont know. 
The people i want to call my friends dont reply to me.
The people i want to call my friends dont miss me.
They dont call me.
They dont text me.
I dont know. I just feel that whenever i need a friend,
there is no one there to call.

I always fuck up my mind, thinking about the reasons that brought this to me.
And i always end up feeling sad for myself, and blaming myself.
I really dont like this feeling.

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ex facebook

21:01
august 9, 2012

there are people who mentioned that they have noticed that i have deactivated my facebook account. that is true. i have already deactivated it. the usual reason i give is that i’m wasting to much time on facebook instead of doing the things i need to be doing, but there is a much more serious reason why i did that. some would assume that i deactivated my account because i’m forcing myself to stop looking at her profile ever though we are not friends anymore. well… that assumption is partly true. but there is a more sad reason why i did that.

whenever i see my friends from college, talking, commenting and interacting with each other, i get jealous. i always ask myself, why dont the comment on my posts? why dont they talk to me? am i not one of their friends? am i not interesting enough for them to take notice? i always feel left out when people would talk and i’m not included in their conversations.

even in texting. i’d notice some of my friends from college who are still my classmates in my masters class texting. but when i text them, they would not reply to my texts. and i get to ask myself.

am i not their friends?
am i not interesting enough?
aren’t they interested in me?

this continues to a night of selfpity and the feeling of being unimportant

former flame

20:33
august 7, 2012

i never came to the point
that i admitted to anyone that i am still in love with my former flame
i just never came to the point

it was really hard for me to utter those dangerous words to anyone
i really dont know anymore

i’m fearful of the idea
that i might just be saying that because i miss her
that i just miss having someone in my life
that i miss someone who really understands me
that i long to be with someone who i really connect to

i honestly dont know the difference between all those things
and love

as much as i hurt
as much as i feel lonely
i dont want to be rash
i dont want to go to something that i am not sure about
especially when it concerns another person

i dont want to put emotional stress on her
i dont want to put emotional stress on myself
i dont want to go back on something i said
just to bet on something i’m not sure that is there

i dont know if i want us or i just miss us then
i dont know if i want her or i just want her then