Flames of Passion

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Feb 18, 2013
23:34

Love… Nothing new to see here.
But i just want to remind myself about love.
That love, sometimes can be a mirage.
It tricks us into thinking that we are in love with someone
but in fact we are utterly oblivious to the truth.

Former flames or flames that seek to reconnect.
they are prone to the fallacy
of loving the person who they knew before
and not the person in the present.
Such a fallacy is committed usually when people
can’t let go of the past or can’t accept that people change.

Burning flames, young and old, are open to the dangers
of committing the fallacy of loving one’s idea of the person
and not who the person really is.
Lovers of the brightest flame always want to be the best.
They try to project an image of themselves to their partners
so that the flame burns on.
But the brightness of the flame might be blinding you
and the image if your lover might be far from the truth.

Dying flames, these are still open to danger.
They are in danger of committing the tragic fallacy of
loving our hopes for our diminishing relationship.
During dire times we try our best to stay positive
and dying flames may fool us into loving the hope
that our partners will change for the relationship.

And the extinguished flame of a spent match…
Simple…
The fallacy of confusing hope from hopeless.

Urge of the human person

23:31
january 13, 2013

“urges”

love, attraction, lust, attachment
such emotions rule the hearts of people
and yet we venture through life so unprepared
so engulfed by these feelings
which haunt us every step of the way

like in any restaurant, we pay in the end
we may or may not be able to handle the bill
but in the end, we all have to pay

the price may be to high for some
some may not believe the cost
some may be outraged by the amount
some may try to bargain the fee
some may just sulk
but in the end, we all have to pay
a broken friendship, a broken ego
a broken heart or a broken hymen

and yet, some are able to afford
astounded, some are willing to afford

why would some be willing to spend so much?
to give something so valueable?

because value is in the eye of the beholder

A date with my all time crush

September 17, 2012
23:18

I WAS ON A DATE WITH MY ALL TIME COLLEGE CRUSH LAST WEEKEND… and it was a disaster! :)

She was the perfect girl.
She was in to the things that i was in to.
She’s in to movies like inception, the dark knight, and other cool films

She’s in to music like taking back sunday, franco, and new found glory.
She reads 9gag.
She drinks and she is fun to be with.
She knows all the cool childhood shows like power rangers, hey arnold and the simpsons.
She has this way of making evergbody feel comfortable.
She is cool and she is a cow girl.
Not to mention she is cute and has legs to die for. :)
And i was on a date with her!

My college crush was a classmate of mine and we would talk about movies and music all the time. I felt so comfortable with her because we had so many things in common. We would sometimes talk deep about life and relationship which i love to do. I never got to date her when i was in college but finally, last weekend, i was able to date her. We went to the movies to watch a movie that she recommended. The title was “ang nawawala” (what’s missing). It is about a young adult who stopped from talking since he was a child. He met a girl who was in to music and bands. It was a cool indi movie and i was really excited to watch it with her.

We went to see the movie but the funny thing about it was, i realized that we weren’t really close at all. Yes we had a lot of things in common, but on a personal level, i dont know a lot about her. It was hard for me to establish a common ground to talk a about except for music, movies and 9gag. I didnt want to talk about life in general that much because it seemed too impersonal and it woulnt deepen our connection. After the movie, we talked about how we found it then afterwards, we ate. We just talked about so arbitrary shit like 9gag and movies we liked. It was such a bust. Haha i didn’t expect it to be that way. I thought we would connect easily. But i was wrong. We were two different people. (as i saw it) we really didn’t have much in common. I felt awkward because i was expecting something more and then i was slapped in the face by the shallowness of our conversation.

I actually brought a gift with me that i planned to give her. It was a handmade bracelet that i made while i taught how to make one to my students. (yes i’m a teacher) but i ended not giving it to her. I didn’t want to seem “too prepared” or too eager in our date. As our date came to an end, i said that i would drive her home but she insisted the she’ll just take a taxi. I told her that i wanted to drive her home but she declined. I accepted her answer and bid her good bye. Even the goodbyes were awkward. I didnt know if i should have hugged her, kiss her or just give her a high five. I ended up extending mg arm to signal for a hug and she stumbled to hug me. Haha it was a disaster!

As i drove home, i reflected to much. I was asking myself.
What the fuck happend? Haha
Why did the date that i was so lookingforward to end up as something so shallow?
Was i expecting too much?
Was my perception of her really off?
Was i just too comfortable with her and though that she was comfortable with me?
Were we really just not compatible?
Is she not interested in me?
Hahaha all these questions ran through my mind…
I ended up just concluded thst we were really differet people.
I just really expected that we would be hitting it off but i was really off.
I was expecting too much for something that i thought i knew. Hahaha

Then it hit me… Even if the day was a disaster or was something i was not expecting… “i was ok with it”
When happened there was the truth and i shouldnt be sad about finding out what the truth really is. Even if it was not in my favor but “i’m ok with that”.

I dont have as big of a crush as to how i felt before. I may have just created an image of her in my head that we would be really compatible. And i was wrong…

“but i’m ok with that”

That cute girl who longboards

00:10
September 10, 2012

I met this girl during a longboarding session in the university where i’m taking my masters degree. Lets name her cat becauss she seems shy, subtle and yet cute and alluring.

Cat and a girl i got to know through longboarding went down the hill. I noticed that they left their bags on the sidewalk with nobody there. I seized the opportunity to talk to them so i sat next to their things. When cat came back, i told them that a sat next to their thing so that space aliens wont attempt to get their bags. She gave a short laugh and said that they were used to leaving theur things there and that there aren’t any valuables there in the first place. As she was about to ride down the hill again, she thanked me. I was shocked that she thanked me.

As the day was comming to an end, cat, her room mate, some of my friends and i were sitting together. I noticed that cat had two tattoos. A tattoo of a circle on her right arm and a tattoo of a triangle simetrically identical on her left arm. I complimented on how cool her tattoos looked and joked if they are representations of the buttons on a playstation controller. She laughed and said that that could be correct if that is how i interpreted the tattoo. I was amazed by how different and how openminded her answer was. This got me really interested so i followed up by asking her, what is her interpretation of her tattoos.

(bty, these are not her tattoos, these are not where the tattoos are exactly, and these are not my tattoos. I gust got them from the internet)

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She explained that the circle tattoo represents “one” and that there are many religeous groups that have the same symbolism. The triangle on the otherhand represents perfection. I was taken back by how philisophical her answer was. It got me interested because i feel that there are only a handfull of people who would have a very simple and uncommon symbol tattooed on a part of their body which will be easily seen. It was real cool. She seems so interesting, not to mention she was cute.

I got to talk to her on two seperate instances and im attracted to her for some reason. Am i open to enter a relationship? Am i ready to enter a relationship? Do i like her? Is she available? Will she give me her number? Will she go out with me even if i dont even know her?

These are some of the questions i have in my head and i planned to ask her out this afternoon. Sunday afternoons are the times when i saw her skate in my university and i planned to make a move on her. I planned that when i see her go down the hill alone, i would follow her down and while walking up, i would ask her if she has a boyfriend. And if she doesnt have a boyfriend, i would drop a line like “i know this sound old school, but would you go out on a date with me?”. Haha i hope she is adventerous enough to try to go out with someone she doesn’t know. But alas, she wasn’t there. Hopefully next week, she’ll be there. ;)

Probably the dumest thing i did for love

September 6, 2012
21:44

Probably the dumbest thing i did for love

When i was in grade 6 i randomly got to know a girl out of yahoo personal adds. I was young excited and innocent. We exchanged emails, got each others phone numbers, saw each other and i started to love her during the end of my 4th year highschool.

Since she was 1 year ahead of me accademically, she was already in college. To my surprise, i found out that she has a boyfriend. It crushed my and since she was faithful and shit like that, she started to avoid communicating with me. I respected her decision and tried to move on. But as was nearing my graduation in highschool, she texted me at 2 in the midnight. This held up a red flag for me telling me that she is not ok. Me being the forever loyal friend, i replied and we ended up talking until the sun came up. I found out that she and her boyfriend broke up. It was an opportunity for my to enter the picture. During the summer, we talked constantly like old times sake. But i would hit on her, saying that i’ll be entering the university that she is in and that i want us to have lunch together and shit like that.

I was real excited and built up our relationship during the summer hoping that when we would be in the same university, it would be possible for us to have a relationship. Then the school year came.

I started to notice that she would text me less. She wouldnt talk to me on the phone reasoning out that she is busy because of her school work. We never got to see each other because my class ends at 11:00am and her class ends at 5:00pm. I would influence mg classmates to hang around school to kill time and i would wait for 5pm and on the off chance that i would see here around campus. Then one time, i saw her walking with a couple of female friends. I ran to her to say hi. She said hi and smiled. I stood there alone as she said “ok, im going home now. Bye”.

I was shocked. It was real obvious that she was avoiding me and she did it infront of my face. I was pissed ofx. I was clueless. Did i do something wrong? Did she get back with her ex boyfriend? What the fuck happened!

Days, weeks, months went by, and not a word. She wouldnt reply to my texts, she would not answer my calls. I was dumbfounded… I was so depressed. When ever i saw her around campus, she would avoid me and i would be held back by whats happening. I did nothing…

Then, her birthday came by. Even if we weren’t talking, i got her a present. I brought it with me everyday so that when i see her in school, i would give here he present and it will be over for me. I would be done. I would stop wondering, i would not rey anymore. I would give up. During the days leading up to her birthday, i did not see her. But i just wanted to give her my gift and be done.

Looking around friendster, i saw some pictures of her outside of her house. So i cooked up the fuckingly dumbest thing i did for love. I looked for her address in the yellowpages, based on their telephone number and her last name. I got the address. Then, i looked for it in our map. Based on the area where i say their address in the map, based on the picture of their house, i felt that i would be able to find there home and i would be able to give her my gift.

So on the day of her birthday, i got my gift and started walking in their area based in the information i got from the map and the yeow pages. But being so anxious, i didnt bother to print the picture of their house, i forgot what was their street, and i didnt even bring the fucking map. I just walked around the area i remembered.

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I started walking from the church on the main road and went through sideroads. I remeber i started walking at around 4:00pm. The sun was still hot. I didnt have an mp3 player to keep me company. I wasnt even smoking because i gave that up for her some time ago. All i had in my hand was my gift for her.I walked around non stop until it was dark. I think it was around 7:30pm when i decided to stop. I didnt see her house. I felt that i wasnt even near… So i just came home. Tired and lost.

Several weeks go by and still i bring my gift for her and the promise to myself that once i give her my gift, i will stop. I will give up. But one day during december, i spotted her walking out our campus together with almost 15 girls. I remember it was friday so i assumed that they were planning to party or something. I mustered up the courage and ran after them, calling her name. I was able to get her attention along with the rest of her friends. I said “here, belated happy birthday” and when she thanked me, i turned around and walked away…

It was done. It was finally over. I was walking away feom the woman that i love and i have conceded to the idea that she isnt interested in me… But as i walked away smiling and telling myself that it is finally over. I hear her friends cheer and giggle in delight…

Last Love Letter

14:12
August 7, 2011

Dear ______,

it has been a whild since I last wrote to anyone worth writing to, and I guess I’m trying to express the things that i was not able to say last Aug 4. I’m sure you have your doubts about my feelings and about my intentions and now I’m writting to you to clear up all of those. As I have said, my feelings for you and how I feel about you are sure. I don’t even have to think about it, I didn’t even second guess myself. It was very hard to put into words what I’m feeling and I guess the simplest way to say it is that I really do love you. From the bottom of my heart and with all my being. As cheeesy as it sounds, as cliche as every love story, this is how I feel. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if I may be the lucky guy to give it to you, I’d give it to you in a hearbeat. In the off chance that I may be the person who will be able to make you the happiest crazy person in the world, I’d love to be that guy to make you happy. I know that revealing my feelings for you is a big risk, of loosing communications with you, loosing our friendship for thirteen years, and ultimately loosing you… But in my heart, I know it’s worth the risk. Because I know that even if there is only a small chance for requited love, the rewards will be unimaginable. It’s really worth the risk _____ and I’m now risking all. I’m risking all because I love you. It is really hard not to fall in love with you. You’re a very strong person, a very honest person, you are very kind, very humble and you’re a real person. You’re a driven person. And you’re not driven by your libido, pride, nor greed. You’re driven by your heart. And that alone makes you a person of great worth and value. I know that you probably don’t believe anything I’ve said, but I believe that you trust and know me enough to know that what I say is true.

I knoow, and you’ve expressed enough, that you are scarred. That you are lost. Lost in the world of medicine that you so selflessly entered not for yourself, but for others. I understand that completely. I know that you have sacrificed time, sleep, personal life, social life, family life, love life, food and desires for others and now you have so little to offer others, and even to yourself if you choose to. I am not expecting nor demanding anythings. I told you that me being able to say that I love you now is enough for me. I’m not that of a martir that I don’t hope that you love me too. I hope, but not expect. You may be lost, tired, confused in your life but I hope that you’ll allow me to love you. Allow me to love you despite how you feel about your life and yourself. Allow me to feel as happy as I feel because I love you. And allow yourself to feel my love for you.

Oh how i wish that I’ll be the man to make you feel that you’re the happiest person in the world. How i wish that I am everything and more that you look for in a man. How I wish that I’ll be the man who you’ll turn to when you’re tired. How I wish I could be given the chance to take away all your pains and doubts. I wish that I’ll be the one to bring life back to your heart. I wish I am the one who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

But before anything else, I would like to thank you ______. Thank you for the past thirteen years of hardcore friendship. Through thick and thin, we kept our friendship alive. Since we were young, we grew up together (well, sort of) we shared stories, secrets, tears, laughter, joys and pain. And I always feel lucky to be your friend. You were and always have been honest, as in completely honest with me. And your honesty and openness has always been appreciated. When I think about it, I feel that I am one of the privilaged few that you really openn yourself up to. I really appreciate your honesty with me. Even at the brink of cheos, when I revealed my feelings for you, you were open and honest enough to say that you are lost and not ready to give an answer. I wasn’t able to express my appreciation for you honesty and calmness despite your reaction then. You weren’t hasty to make a decision right then and there that might have cause more harm than good. And for that ______, I thank you.

Hmm… But what if it was never ment to be, so to speak… Thatt would be OK. I’m not the type of person who would force myself on someone. If that would be the case, just please be honest with me. Tell me the truth and be blunt. Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt becasue hurting should be only felt if a person intendt to hurt another. And I know that that is the last thing on your mind… To hurt me. And if this would be the case _____, if things will not work out between us, I ask only one thing from you… If you don’t and can’t love me, that’s fine, but please allow me to love you still.
But what if ______, just what if you do love me too? How would/could that work out between us? Me being a teacher which practically means a different lifestyle compared to an 8 to 5 job, plus a masters student which means goodbye to my nights and weekends too. And you pursuiting your dreams to become a doctor, no need for further explanation. How could this work if ever? Well, in my mind, nothing really change. You’d still be the girl who doesn’t text or call much and have less timt for yourself. You’d go out with your friends, party then sleepless than you should. And I’ld still be here, patiently waiting for you. =) Texting you at times and stopping myself from texting so you won’t feel that I’m too clingy. I’d still battle with myself whenever I see you online in facebook whether I should message you or let you rest because I know that that is one of your few chances to rest. The only thing that would change, for the time being that is and if I’ld be so lucky, is that I’d know you love me, and that you’d know that I love you more…

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former flame

20:33
august 7, 2012

i never came to the point
that i admitted to anyone that i am still in love with my former flame
i just never came to the point

it was really hard for me to utter those dangerous words to anyone
i really dont know anymore

i’m fearful of the idea
that i might just be saying that because i miss her
that i just miss having someone in my life
that i miss someone who really understands me
that i long to be with someone who i really connect to

i honestly dont know the difference between all those things
and love

as much as i hurt
as much as i feel lonely
i dont want to be rash
i dont want to go to something that i am not sure about
especially when it concerns another person

i dont want to put emotional stress on her
i dont want to put emotional stress on myself
i dont want to go back on something i said
just to bet on something i’m not sure that is there

i dont know if i want us or i just miss us then
i dont know if i want her or i just want her then