My Day

April 2, 2015
23:54

It has been a while since I have written anything here in my anonymous blog/journal/diary/whatever.
I’m writing in it now because my mind is running 1,000 kph and I’m getting nowhere fast.

A day has passed without me ever noticing it.
Today is a religious holiday and I just sat at home facing my computer, doing nothing.
My mind is running 2,000 kph and I’m getting nowhere fast.

Sleep eludes me once again, making me hate the nap I took this afternoon.
Aimlessly, I searched the internet for technology that I cannot afford.
I hate this feeling.

I woke up this morning feeling less than refreshed and as motivated as someone on death row.
My responsibilities are piling up and I’m less motivated as ever before.
I hate this feeling.

I’m writing to feel less stressed.
I’m writing to release my thoughts.
I’m writing to be anonymous.
I’m writing so that I will feel sleepy.

I know a lot of people here feel the same way.
Writing anonymously
hoping that someone will post a comment
hoping that contacting someone they don’t know will help them feel better.
But in the end, everyone is left to fend for themselves.

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Urge of the human person

23:31
january 13, 2013

“urges”

love, attraction, lust, attachment
such emotions rule the hearts of people
and yet we venture through life so unprepared
so engulfed by these feelings
which haunt us every step of the way

like in any restaurant, we pay in the end
we may or may not be able to handle the bill
but in the end, we all have to pay

the price may be to high for some
some may not believe the cost
some may be outraged by the amount
some may try to bargain the fee
some may just sulk
but in the end, we all have to pay
a broken friendship, a broken ego
a broken heart or a broken hymen

and yet, some are able to afford
astounded, some are willing to afford

why would some be willing to spend so much?
to give something so valueable?

because value is in the eye of the beholder

2013th revolution of the earth

january 1, 2013
00:25

for the past couple of years, i’ve celebrated my new
years in a different way.
new years, have always been a time for me to reflect.
reflect about the good things i have been fortunate enough to receive
but for this year, it is different

the day started like every day of my christmas break this year
me waking up unusually late, me groggy and weary
i felt every little change that has occured over the past 365 days
every little and every large adjustment i had to force myself to accept
all the friends that i love who drifted away
all the comforts of live that gone
all my goals that i was not able to accomplish
all the sadness that i feltall the personal struggles that i bear everyday
every last one of them i picked up again as i woke up
then i started my day like every day of my christmas break this year
all of them i planned to avoid

i wasn’t planning on writting anything this year
i guess i was at the point where i just wanted to concede
concede to the idea that things doesn’t seem to change
well i was so down that i didn’t feel like doing anything to help myself

5 minutes before midnight, my mother urged us to go out of the house
and light the little cache of fireworks my father kept from last year.
we were not even complete, limit was working new years eve
so the 4 of us lighted petty sparklers and shit like that
then i noticed how fireworks lighted the sky
it was so bright and so colorful
my mother and father was being their usual sweet selves
lighting fireworks together and enjoying the disply
as i saw my father enjoying the view
a distinct song played in my head.
rurouni kensihn – omoi (strings version)
then everything changed…

i felt a certain feeling that i have never felt for a long time
it was joy
seeing my family enjoy the simple fireworks that we had
enjoying the company of each other
i dont know… it is hard for me to explain
but when i saw my father as he held his little firework,
and see the amazing display at his back
i was overwhelmed…
even if i dwell on all the sad things that i feel right now
i’m still lucky. i’m lucky to have my family
i’m lucky that i am able to take time and appreciate life with them

thank you 2012th time the earth revolved around the sun
thank you philippines

Welcome back night

December 29, 2012
02:21

Welcome back night, it has been a while since we’ve stared at each others face.
Why is it when you most need your sleep, “insomnia” kicks in?
“insomnia”? Yeah right. The mindfucking thoughts that you have been running away from just caught up with you.
All the things you fear.
All the things that hurt you but you we’re too proud to admit.
All the things that haunt you.

Dreadful things.
Loneliness.
Being lonely and alone.
Rejection by your so called friends
Being left by your friends
Selfpitty.

Oh the thoughts of a young, “intellectual”, “artistic”, “writer” written and published for all the other “intellectual” etc. To see.

One of those nights

23:16
October 19, 2012

I’m having one of those nights. Where you’re real sleepy, but you’re having a hard time sleeping. I lay my itouch to my side and try to sleep, but i pick it up “just for a little bit more, to keep me calm”. My mind is racing and i cant sleep. Even if i’ve been sick for 4 days already, i cant go to sleep. So much shit is going through my mind and i’m so tired already. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. And such a gloomy album is playing through my mind.

Pink Floyd – The Wall

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Oh how i wish i could sleep.
I wish i can find peace

Hail Adele

23:52
October 8, 2012

I first heard the song “chasing pavements” by adel 2 days ago. The sister of my god daughter played it on her mobile phone and i fell in love with it. I know that i’m years late in appreciating adele’s soulfull and powerfull voice.

Her voice kept ringging in my head. It swallowed me. Her voice lingers in my heart and the passion in her voice made me realize something. That is something i can’t feel now. Passion…

Years ago, i could really say that i am an extremely passionate person. I would talk about photography and my experiences with it for hours on end. I would share my beliefs with so much fervour and zeal. My positions about so many issues. Political, relegious and especially moral concerns were among some of my favorite topics. Music, movies, politics and so much more. Those were things that i was passionate about. But now…

I just realized that i’ve not been passionate or excited about something for months or even years now. I just feel so empty and dull. I feel so lifeless. I cant feel if. I have so much good things going for me, i have so much good things in my life and yet i’m not the least excited…

I dont know if i have reached the point that i have gotten everything that life has to offer. I’m sure i havent but when i look at the things i have “accomplished”, i sometimes feel that i have experienced quite a lot. I’ve made 2 short films already that was honored in different universities. Hmm… I dont want to list down the things i have accomplished. I dont want to sound like i’m bragging… But anyways… There. I feel numb. I feel that i’m not getting excited anymore.

How about you?

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Should i give up
Or should i just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

Music saves lives

22:00
October 1, 2012

Every single day, i’m faced with so many concerns. Work, masters class, friends who seek help from me and also my own personal concerns. It has been really draining.

I’m actually a shy person. My friends and co-workers would argue with that but that is the truth. I seldom share my problems with people. I usually vent my stress with a couple of sticks of cigarettes. I know it will kill my and shit like that. But at least i was in control. (haha)

But there is something i truly enjoy. Listen to music. Music has always been my passion. From bread, bee gees, beatles, carpenters, black sabbath, cream, rush, yes, dream theater, bone thugs n harmony, pantera, and so many filipino bands. When i had my
Mp3 player that had 30gigs of my music, i could go the whole day without talking to anybody. Just listening to my sweet music…

Anyways, this post is nothing but just a thanks to my favorite bands. I hope everybody is as passionate about music as me. I hope we live in a world where people can appreciate and share good music.

What i’m currently listening to is the white rapping boy band. Hahaha

It’s sabotage

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why do people have all the fun?

23:13

aug 28, 2012

i’ve been looking around the blogs here in wordpress and the blogs of people had me wondering.

why do they have so many cool pictures and i have none?

why do they have so much insight about things and i have none?

why do they have so many quirky videos and i have none?

why do they have so much energy to write and i have none?

why do they have so many views, comments and likes and i have none?

oh man… envy sucks

When Everybody Else Declines

23:10
August 19, 2012

Who do i run to when i need a friend?
Is there anybody out there?

The problem with me is that
i am a person who doesn’t really share with people.
I feel that my problems are not worth the attention of people.

I feel lonely. I want to run to the people i used to run to
but that ship has sailed.
I can not run to my former flame.
Aside from the fact that we are not together anymore,
that she is still busy as a bee
that she doesn’t have load,
that she now has a new flame,
she sometimes, most of the time, is too “preoccupied” to talk.
Oh man. That really brings you down a whole lot more.
It really makes you feel so alone and rejected and unwanted.

It is actually quite perplexing to think that i have helped so many people in their time of emotional need,
and now, when i am feeling down, there is no one here for me.
As much as possible, i dont want to count favors and shit like that
but during times of depression, i cant help but wonder,
where are they all now?

I want ro talk to someone. This fucking blog my only outlet.
The people that i am constantly in contact with are my babies.
People im helping out emotionally. I have become their confedant.
This inturn creates a relationship that revolves around their problems and needs.

I’ve always said that my friends are so lucky to have a friend like me.
Someone who wants to get to know them better.
Someone who will initiate a conversation with them,
Someone who will reply to their texts as soon as possible.
And whatthefuckever.
But me? I dont know. 
The people i want to call my friends dont reply to me.
The people i want to call my friends dont miss me.
They dont call me.
They dont text me.
I dont know. I just feel that whenever i need a friend,
there is no one there to call.

I always fuck up my mind, thinking about the reasons that brought this to me.
And i always end up feeling sad for myself, and blaming myself.
I really dont like this feeling.

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ex facebook

21:01
august 9, 2012

there are people who mentioned that they have noticed that i have deactivated my facebook account. that is true. i have already deactivated it. the usual reason i give is that i’m wasting to much time on facebook instead of doing the things i need to be doing, but there is a much more serious reason why i did that. some would assume that i deactivated my account because i’m forcing myself to stop looking at her profile ever though we are not friends anymore. well… that assumption is partly true. but there is a more sad reason why i did that.

whenever i see my friends from college, talking, commenting and interacting with each other, i get jealous. i always ask myself, why dont the comment on my posts? why dont they talk to me? am i not one of their friends? am i not interesting enough for them to take notice? i always feel left out when people would talk and i’m not included in their conversations.

even in texting. i’d notice some of my friends from college who are still my classmates in my masters class texting. but when i text them, they would not reply to my texts. and i get to ask myself.

am i not their friends?
am i not interesting enough?
aren’t they interested in me?

this continues to a night of selfpity and the feeling of being unimportant