6 things about me

17:43
october 3, 2012

this is something i got from a miss panalyah here in wordpress. i cant remember how i found her blog here but it was really a good read for me and the questions were not your typical questions like how friendster used to be. so i was inspired to answer also. :)

1. What kind of women do you attract?
im not sure if i am able to attract a certain “kind” of woman or if i attract women at all. modesty aside, i feel i am able to attract women who want something different in their lives. something different but still dependible. i feel i’m that kind of guy. someone who brings something different to the table but the essentials like respect, being a gentleman and other things like that are still there. i’m not the macho alpha male type of person and i never wanted to be. but i feel that when i’m with someone, they will still feel safe. did i answer the question? haha

 

2. Are you pro-life or pro-choice?
not to offened anyone here, but i’m pro-choice. eversince i was young. and let me define what pro-choice for me is. it is the mother being able to have her unborn child aborted without question. i dont care if the reason is medical, financial, emotional and what have you. it shouldnt matter. because in sex, intercourse, lovemaking and fucking, no questions were asked. the mother has the right to choose whether she will have a baby or not. and if she gets pregnant accidentally, she should be able to choose not to have it. i feel the urge to have sex is innate to everyone and the ability to control this urge differs from person to person. meaning, sex is something that everybody must, will and will always have. but having a baby and a family is another thing. it should be another choice.

3. If you had a child, what would you like it’s gender to be? What would you name it?
as of this moment, i have no urge to have children. i’m scared of the future. my parents were able to provide me with everything and if i will be able to bear a child, i want to be able to provide him with the best as my parents did for us. hmm… if i would have a child, i feel i want to have a daughter when she is still young. maybe up to 6 years old, girls would be cute. :p and i would name her annie. but if i were to have a boy, i want to name him something like alexander. something that sounds strong.

4. If you had a choice to be anyone else who would you be and why?
hmm… maybe i would want to become a powerful religious leader. not that i adhere to any religious faith or anything like that, i just like the power to influence people in the way they think, the way they percieve life. political power is different from this. i think political power is sort of forcing people to obey you because of law and the theory of social exchange. religious power is just obeying the person on top of the totem pole. people who adhere to a certain religeous belief do not look at the rationale, they just accept it just because. faith.

5. If you could pick 3 values as a life mantra, what would they be and why?
mantra? what is a mantra? but based on the answers of miss panalyah, i’ll assume what a mantra means.

the first is passion. i believe that we must live a life where we are passionate about things. whatever your passion is, the important thing is that you are passionate about something. whether it be photography, blogging, your faith, fashion, politics, teaching, the important thing is that you are passionate about something. i may not agree with some of the things you are passionate about like fashion and things like that, i’m not really a fashionable person but i respect a person who is passionate about something. why i like people who are passionate about something? because i dont like people who are like just, whatever. people say i love music, but when you ask them, what kind of music, they would just say what ever i hear… haha

next is respect. simple as that. respect people WHO ARE RESPECTABLE. respect is something earned. it is not hard to earn respect. you just have to live a respectable life. give respect, earn respect. simple

last? i guess we have to try things. we must not be scared to do new things. especially while we are young. we must try new things. if we want to learn to cook, to bake, to skate, to swim, to have sex, to smoke, to drink. whatever our poison is, we have to try it. i hope i’ll never have the feeling that before i die, i want to do something more or i was not able to try something because i was scared or i convinced myself not to try something…

 

there are more questions and i’ll try to answer them next time. :D

One of those nights

23:16
October 19, 2012

I’m having one of those nights. Where you’re real sleepy, but you’re having a hard time sleeping. I lay my itouch to my side and try to sleep, but i pick it up “just for a little bit more, to keep me calm”. My mind is racing and i cant sleep. Even if i’ve been sick for 4 days already, i cant go to sleep. So much shit is going through my mind and i’m so tired already. Physically, mentally, emotionally tired. And such a gloomy album is playing through my mind.

Pink Floyd – The Wall

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Oh how i wish i could sleep.
I wish i can find peace

Hail Adele

23:52
October 8, 2012

I first heard the song “chasing pavements” by adel 2 days ago. The sister of my god daughter played it on her mobile phone and i fell in love with it. I know that i’m years late in appreciating adele’s soulfull and powerfull voice.

Her voice kept ringging in my head. It swallowed me. Her voice lingers in my heart and the passion in her voice made me realize something. That is something i can’t feel now. Passion…

Years ago, i could really say that i am an extremely passionate person. I would talk about photography and my experiences with it for hours on end. I would share my beliefs with so much fervour and zeal. My positions about so many issues. Political, relegious and especially moral concerns were among some of my favorite topics. Music, movies, politics and so much more. Those were things that i was passionate about. But now…

I just realized that i’ve not been passionate or excited about something for months or even years now. I just feel so empty and dull. I feel so lifeless. I cant feel if. I have so much good things going for me, i have so much good things in my life and yet i’m not the least excited…

I dont know if i have reached the point that i have gotten everything that life has to offer. I’m sure i havent but when i look at the things i have “accomplished”, i sometimes feel that i have experienced quite a lot. I’ve made 2 short films already that was honored in different universities. Hmm… I dont want to list down the things i have accomplished. I dont want to sound like i’m bragging… But anyways… There. I feel numb. I feel that i’m not getting excited anymore.

How about you?

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Should i give up
Or should i just keep chasing pavements
Even if it leads nowhere

Music saves lives

22:00
October 1, 2012

Every single day, i’m faced with so many concerns. Work, masters class, friends who seek help from me and also my own personal concerns. It has been really draining.

I’m actually a shy person. My friends and co-workers would argue with that but that is the truth. I seldom share my problems with people. I usually vent my stress with a couple of sticks of cigarettes. I know it will kill my and shit like that. But at least i was in control. (haha)

But there is something i truly enjoy. Listen to music. Music has always been my passion. From bread, bee gees, beatles, carpenters, black sabbath, cream, rush, yes, dream theater, bone thugs n harmony, pantera, and so many filipino bands. When i had my
Mp3 player that had 30gigs of my music, i could go the whole day without talking to anybody. Just listening to my sweet music…

Anyways, this post is nothing but just a thanks to my favorite bands. I hope everybody is as passionate about music as me. I hope we live in a world where people can appreciate and share good music.

What i’m currently listening to is the white rapping boy band. Hahaha

It’s sabotage

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A date with my all time crush

September 17, 2012
23:18

I WAS ON A DATE WITH MY ALL TIME COLLEGE CRUSH LAST WEEKEND… and it was a disaster! :)

She was the perfect girl.
She was in to the things that i was in to.
She’s in to movies like inception, the dark knight, and other cool films

She’s in to music like taking back sunday, franco, and new found glory.
She reads 9gag.
She drinks and she is fun to be with.
She knows all the cool childhood shows like power rangers, hey arnold and the simpsons.
She has this way of making evergbody feel comfortable.
She is cool and she is a cow girl.
Not to mention she is cute and has legs to die for. :)
And i was on a date with her!

My college crush was a classmate of mine and we would talk about movies and music all the time. I felt so comfortable with her because we had so many things in common. We would sometimes talk deep about life and relationship which i love to do. I never got to date her when i was in college but finally, last weekend, i was able to date her. We went to the movies to watch a movie that she recommended. The title was “ang nawawala” (what’s missing). It is about a young adult who stopped from talking since he was a child. He met a girl who was in to music and bands. It was a cool indi movie and i was really excited to watch it with her.

We went to see the movie but the funny thing about it was, i realized that we weren’t really close at all. Yes we had a lot of things in common, but on a personal level, i dont know a lot about her. It was hard for me to establish a common ground to talk a about except for music, movies and 9gag. I didnt want to talk about life in general that much because it seemed too impersonal and it woulnt deepen our connection. After the movie, we talked about how we found it then afterwards, we ate. We just talked about so arbitrary shit like 9gag and movies we liked. It was such a bust. Haha i didn’t expect it to be that way. I thought we would connect easily. But i was wrong. We were two different people. (as i saw it) we really didn’t have much in common. I felt awkward because i was expecting something more and then i was slapped in the face by the shallowness of our conversation.

I actually brought a gift with me that i planned to give her. It was a handmade bracelet that i made while i taught how to make one to my students. (yes i’m a teacher) but i ended not giving it to her. I didn’t want to seem “too prepared” or too eager in our date. As our date came to an end, i said that i would drive her home but she insisted the she’ll just take a taxi. I told her that i wanted to drive her home but she declined. I accepted her answer and bid her good bye. Even the goodbyes were awkward. I didnt know if i should have hugged her, kiss her or just give her a high five. I ended up extending mg arm to signal for a hug and she stumbled to hug me. Haha it was a disaster!

As i drove home, i reflected to much. I was asking myself.
What the fuck happend? Haha
Why did the date that i was so lookingforward to end up as something so shallow?
Was i expecting too much?
Was my perception of her really off?
Was i just too comfortable with her and though that she was comfortable with me?
Were we really just not compatible?
Is she not interested in me?
Hahaha all these questions ran through my mind…
I ended up just concluded thst we were really differet people.
I just really expected that we would be hitting it off but i was really off.
I was expecting too much for something that i thought i knew. Hahaha

Then it hit me… Even if the day was a disaster or was something i was not expecting… “i was ok with it”
When happened there was the truth and i shouldnt be sad about finding out what the truth really is. Even if it was not in my favor but “i’m ok with that”.

I dont have as big of a crush as to how i felt before. I may have just created an image of her in my head that we would be really compatible. And i was wrong…

“but i’m ok with that”

That cute girl who longboards

00:10
September 10, 2012

I met this girl during a longboarding session in the university where i’m taking my masters degree. Lets name her cat becauss she seems shy, subtle and yet cute and alluring.

Cat and a girl i got to know through longboarding went down the hill. I noticed that they left their bags on the sidewalk with nobody there. I seized the opportunity to talk to them so i sat next to their things. When cat came back, i told them that a sat next to their thing so that space aliens wont attempt to get their bags. She gave a short laugh and said that they were used to leaving theur things there and that there aren’t any valuables there in the first place. As she was about to ride down the hill again, she thanked me. I was shocked that she thanked me.

As the day was comming to an end, cat, her room mate, some of my friends and i were sitting together. I noticed that cat had two tattoos. A tattoo of a circle on her right arm and a tattoo of a triangle simetrically identical on her left arm. I complimented on how cool her tattoos looked and joked if they are representations of the buttons on a playstation controller. She laughed and said that that could be correct if that is how i interpreted the tattoo. I was amazed by how different and how openminded her answer was. This got me really interested so i followed up by asking her, what is her interpretation of her tattoos.

(bty, these are not her tattoos, these are not where the tattoos are exactly, and these are not my tattoos. I gust got them from the internet)

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She explained that the circle tattoo represents “one” and that there are many religeous groups that have the same symbolism. The triangle on the otherhand represents perfection. I was taken back by how philisophical her answer was. It got me interested because i feel that there are only a handfull of people who would have a very simple and uncommon symbol tattooed on a part of their body which will be easily seen. It was real cool. She seems so interesting, not to mention she was cute.

I got to talk to her on two seperate instances and im attracted to her for some reason. Am i open to enter a relationship? Am i ready to enter a relationship? Do i like her? Is she available? Will she give me her number? Will she go out with me even if i dont even know her?

These are some of the questions i have in my head and i planned to ask her out this afternoon. Sunday afternoons are the times when i saw her skate in my university and i planned to make a move on her. I planned that when i see her go down the hill alone, i would follow her down and while walking up, i would ask her if she has a boyfriend. And if she doesnt have a boyfriend, i would drop a line like “i know this sound old school, but would you go out on a date with me?”. Haha i hope she is adventerous enough to try to go out with someone she doesn’t know. But alas, she wasn’t there. Hopefully next week, she’ll be there. ;)

Probably the dumest thing i did for love

September 6, 2012
21:44

Probably the dumbest thing i did for love

When i was in grade 6 i randomly got to know a girl out of yahoo personal adds. I was young excited and innocent. We exchanged emails, got each others phone numbers, saw each other and i started to love her during the end of my 4th year highschool.

Since she was 1 year ahead of me accademically, she was already in college. To my surprise, i found out that she has a boyfriend. It crushed my and since she was faithful and shit like that, she started to avoid communicating with me. I respected her decision and tried to move on. But as was nearing my graduation in highschool, she texted me at 2 in the midnight. This held up a red flag for me telling me that she is not ok. Me being the forever loyal friend, i replied and we ended up talking until the sun came up. I found out that she and her boyfriend broke up. It was an opportunity for my to enter the picture. During the summer, we talked constantly like old times sake. But i would hit on her, saying that i’ll be entering the university that she is in and that i want us to have lunch together and shit like that.

I was real excited and built up our relationship during the summer hoping that when we would be in the same university, it would be possible for us to have a relationship. Then the school year came.

I started to notice that she would text me less. She wouldnt talk to me on the phone reasoning out that she is busy because of her school work. We never got to see each other because my class ends at 11:00am and her class ends at 5:00pm. I would influence mg classmates to hang around school to kill time and i would wait for 5pm and on the off chance that i would see here around campus. Then one time, i saw her walking with a couple of female friends. I ran to her to say hi. She said hi and smiled. I stood there alone as she said “ok, im going home now. Bye”.

I was shocked. It was real obvious that she was avoiding me and she did it infront of my face. I was pissed ofx. I was clueless. Did i do something wrong? Did she get back with her ex boyfriend? What the fuck happened!

Days, weeks, months went by, and not a word. She wouldnt reply to my texts, she would not answer my calls. I was dumbfounded… I was so depressed. When ever i saw her around campus, she would avoid me and i would be held back by whats happening. I did nothing…

Then, her birthday came by. Even if we weren’t talking, i got her a present. I brought it with me everyday so that when i see her in school, i would give here he present and it will be over for me. I would be done. I would stop wondering, i would not rey anymore. I would give up. During the days leading up to her birthday, i did not see her. But i just wanted to give her my gift and be done.

Looking around friendster, i saw some pictures of her outside of her house. So i cooked up the fuckingly dumbest thing i did for love. I looked for her address in the yellowpages, based on their telephone number and her last name. I got the address. Then, i looked for it in our map. Based on the area where i say their address in the map, based on the picture of their house, i felt that i would be able to find there home and i would be able to give her my gift.

So on the day of her birthday, i got my gift and started walking in their area based in the information i got from the map and the yeow pages. But being so anxious, i didnt bother to print the picture of their house, i forgot what was their street, and i didnt even bring the fucking map. I just walked around the area i remembered.

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I started walking from the church on the main road and went through sideroads. I remeber i started walking at around 4:00pm. The sun was still hot. I didnt have an mp3 player to keep me company. I wasnt even smoking because i gave that up for her some time ago. All i had in my hand was my gift for her.I walked around non stop until it was dark. I think it was around 7:30pm when i decided to stop. I didnt see her house. I felt that i wasnt even near… So i just came home. Tired and lost.

Several weeks go by and still i bring my gift for her and the promise to myself that once i give her my gift, i will stop. I will give up. But one day during december, i spotted her walking out our campus together with almost 15 girls. I remember it was friday so i assumed that they were planning to party or something. I mustered up the courage and ran after them, calling her name. I was able to get her attention along with the rest of her friends. I said “here, belated happy birthday” and when she thanked me, i turned around and walked away…

It was done. It was finally over. I was walking away feom the woman that i love and i have conceded to the idea that she isnt interested in me… But as i walked away smiling and telling myself that it is finally over. I hear her friends cheer and giggle in delight…

Last Love Letter

14:12
August 7, 2011

Dear ______,

it has been a whild since I last wrote to anyone worth writing to, and I guess I’m trying to express the things that i was not able to say last Aug 4. I’m sure you have your doubts about my feelings and about my intentions and now I’m writting to you to clear up all of those. As I have said, my feelings for you and how I feel about you are sure. I don’t even have to think about it, I didn’t even second guess myself. It was very hard to put into words what I’m feeling and I guess the simplest way to say it is that I really do love you. From the bottom of my heart and with all my being. As cheeesy as it sounds, as cliche as every love story, this is how I feel. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if I may be the lucky guy to give it to you, I’d give it to you in a hearbeat. In the off chance that I may be the person who will be able to make you the happiest crazy person in the world, I’d love to be that guy to make you happy. I know that revealing my feelings for you is a big risk, of loosing communications with you, loosing our friendship for thirteen years, and ultimately loosing you… But in my heart, I know it’s worth the risk. Because I know that even if there is only a small chance for requited love, the rewards will be unimaginable. It’s really worth the risk _____ and I’m now risking all. I’m risking all because I love you. It is really hard not to fall in love with you. You’re a very strong person, a very honest person, you are very kind, very humble and you’re a real person. You’re a driven person. And you’re not driven by your libido, pride, nor greed. You’re driven by your heart. And that alone makes you a person of great worth and value. I know that you probably don’t believe anything I’ve said, but I believe that you trust and know me enough to know that what I say is true.

I knoow, and you’ve expressed enough, that you are scarred. That you are lost. Lost in the world of medicine that you so selflessly entered not for yourself, but for others. I understand that completely. I know that you have sacrificed time, sleep, personal life, social life, family life, love life, food and desires for others and now you have so little to offer others, and even to yourself if you choose to. I am not expecting nor demanding anythings. I told you that me being able to say that I love you now is enough for me. I’m not that of a martir that I don’t hope that you love me too. I hope, but not expect. You may be lost, tired, confused in your life but I hope that you’ll allow me to love you. Allow me to love you despite how you feel about your life and yourself. Allow me to feel as happy as I feel because I love you. And allow yourself to feel my love for you.

Oh how i wish that I’ll be the man to make you feel that you’re the happiest person in the world. How i wish that I am everything and more that you look for in a man. How I wish that I’ll be the man who you’ll turn to when you’re tired. How I wish I could be given the chance to take away all your pains and doubts. I wish that I’ll be the one to bring life back to your heart. I wish I am the one who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

But before anything else, I would like to thank you ______. Thank you for the past thirteen years of hardcore friendship. Through thick and thin, we kept our friendship alive. Since we were young, we grew up together (well, sort of) we shared stories, secrets, tears, laughter, joys and pain. And I always feel lucky to be your friend. You were and always have been honest, as in completely honest with me. And your honesty and openness has always been appreciated. When I think about it, I feel that I am one of the privilaged few that you really openn yourself up to. I really appreciate your honesty with me. Even at the brink of cheos, when I revealed my feelings for you, you were open and honest enough to say that you are lost and not ready to give an answer. I wasn’t able to express my appreciation for you honesty and calmness despite your reaction then. You weren’t hasty to make a decision right then and there that might have cause more harm than good. And for that ______, I thank you.

Hmm… But what if it was never ment to be, so to speak… Thatt would be OK. I’m not the type of person who would force myself on someone. If that would be the case, just please be honest with me. Tell me the truth and be blunt. Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt becasue hurting should be only felt if a person intendt to hurt another. And I know that that is the last thing on your mind… To hurt me. And if this would be the case _____, if things will not work out between us, I ask only one thing from you… If you don’t and can’t love me, that’s fine, but please allow me to love you still.
But what if ______, just what if you do love me too? How would/could that work out between us? Me being a teacher which practically means a different lifestyle compared to an 8 to 5 job, plus a masters student which means goodbye to my nights and weekends too. And you pursuiting your dreams to become a doctor, no need for further explanation. How could this work if ever? Well, in my mind, nothing really change. You’d still be the girl who doesn’t text or call much and have less timt for yourself. You’d go out with your friends, party then sleepless than you should. And I’ld still be here, patiently waiting for you. =) Texting you at times and stopping myself from texting so you won’t feel that I’m too clingy. I’d still battle with myself whenever I see you online in facebook whether I should message you or let you rest because I know that that is one of your few chances to rest. The only thing that would change, for the time being that is and if I’ld be so lucky, is that I’d know you love me, and that you’d know that I love you more…

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why do people have all the fun?

23:13

aug 28, 2012

i’ve been looking around the blogs here in wordpress and the blogs of people had me wondering.

why do they have so many cool pictures and i have none?

why do they have so much insight about things and i have none?

why do they have so many quirky videos and i have none?

why do they have so much energy to write and i have none?

why do they have so many views, comments and likes and i have none?

oh man… envy sucks

When Everybody Else Declines

23:10
August 19, 2012

Who do i run to when i need a friend?
Is there anybody out there?

The problem with me is that
i am a person who doesn’t really share with people.
I feel that my problems are not worth the attention of people.

I feel lonely. I want to run to the people i used to run to
but that ship has sailed.
I can not run to my former flame.
Aside from the fact that we are not together anymore,
that she is still busy as a bee
that she doesn’t have load,
that she now has a new flame,
she sometimes, most of the time, is too “preoccupied” to talk.
Oh man. That really brings you down a whole lot more.
It really makes you feel so alone and rejected and unwanted.

It is actually quite perplexing to think that i have helped so many people in their time of emotional need,
and now, when i am feeling down, there is no one here for me.
As much as possible, i dont want to count favors and shit like that
but during times of depression, i cant help but wonder,
where are they all now?

I want ro talk to someone. This fucking blog my only outlet.
The people that i am constantly in contact with are my babies.
People im helping out emotionally. I have become their confedant.
This inturn creates a relationship that revolves around their problems and needs.

I’ve always said that my friends are so lucky to have a friend like me.
Someone who wants to get to know them better.
Someone who will initiate a conversation with them,
Someone who will reply to their texts as soon as possible.
And whatthefuckever.
But me? I dont know. 
The people i want to call my friends dont reply to me.
The people i want to call my friends dont miss me.
They dont call me.
They dont text me.
I dont know. I just feel that whenever i need a friend,
there is no one there to call.

I always fuck up my mind, thinking about the reasons that brought this to me.
And i always end up feeling sad for myself, and blaming myself.
I really dont like this feeling.

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