2013th revolution of the earth

january 1, 2013

for the past couple of years, i’ve celebrated my new
years in a different way.
new years, have always been a time for me to reflect.
reflect about the good things i have been fortunate enough to receive
but for this year, it is different

the day started like every day of my christmas break this year
me waking up unusually late, me groggy and weary
i felt every little change that has occured over the past 365 days
every little and every large adjustment i had to force myself to accept
all the friends that i love who drifted away
all the comforts of live that gone
all my goals that i was not able to accomplish
all the sadness that i feltall the personal struggles that i bear everyday
every last one of them i picked up again as i woke up
then i started my day like every day of my christmas break this year
all of them i planned to avoid

i wasn’t planning on writting anything this year
i guess i was at the point where i just wanted to concede
concede to the idea that things doesn’t seem to change
well i was so down that i didn’t feel like doing anything to help myself

5 minutes before midnight, my mother urged us to go out of the house
and light the little cache of fireworks my father kept from last year.
we were not even complete, limit was working new years eve
so the 4 of us lighted petty sparklers and shit like that
then i noticed how fireworks lighted the sky
it was so bright and so colorful
my mother and father was being their usual sweet selves
lighting fireworks together and enjoying the disply
as i saw my father enjoying the view
a distinct song played in my head.
rurouni kensihn – omoi (strings version)
then everything changed…

i felt a certain feeling that i have never felt for a long time
it was joy
seeing my family enjoy the simple fireworks that we had
enjoying the company of each other
i dont know… it is hard for me to explain
but when i saw my father as he held his little firework,
and see the amazing display at his back
i was overwhelmed…
even if i dwell on all the sad things that i feel right now
i’m still lucky. i’m lucky to have my family
i’m lucky that i am able to take time and appreciate life with them

thank you 2012th time the earth revolved around the sun
thank you philippines


former flame

august 7, 2012

i never came to the point
that i admitted to anyone that i am still in love with my former flame
i just never came to the point

it was really hard for me to utter those dangerous words to anyone
i really dont know anymore

i’m fearful of the idea
that i might just be saying that because i miss her
that i just miss having someone in my life
that i miss someone who really understands me
that i long to be with someone who i really connect to

i honestly dont know the difference between all those things
and love

as much as i hurt
as much as i feel lonely
i dont want to be rash
i dont want to go to something that i am not sure about
especially when it concerns another person

i dont want to put emotional stress on her
i dont want to put emotional stress on myself
i dont want to go back on something i said
just to bet on something i’m not sure that is there

i dont know if i want us or i just miss us then
i dont know if i want her or i just want her then