What is a friend?

What is a friend?

Friends come from different places. Acquaintances, friends, best friends, lovers, and ex-lovers are just some of the ways we try to categorize the people we have a relationship with. Some common groups of friends we have are our elementary school friends, high school friends, friends from the university, workplace friends, people we met in organizations, and our neighbors. But my question is what really defines a friend.

Is it someone you constantly talk with or someone you constantly talk to? Or is it even someone who we don’t often communicate with? Are they the people we are comfortable to do anything with? Or are they the people we try to show our best side to? Do we constantly do things to please them? Are our friends someone who supports us in whatever we do? Or are friends someone who tells us that we we are doing is wrong? Do our friends need to be in the same group? Or are true friends the people we don’t think of as just part of our group? Are friends someone who would cover our asses? Or someone who rats us out to the people we love the most?

I actually don’t know the right answers but I’ll share a story about someone who I consider one of my dearest friends.

(names will be changed for anonymity)
Her name is Machi. She was my university classmate. We were actually not in the same group of friends but she was the girlfriend of a close friend of mine. What really gave us a chance to be close was when they broke up and she needed someone to talk to. Then we became close and even teased each other as “best friends” because we didn’t like such labels or terms of familiarity.

I had a girlfriend at that time, lets call her “Yuki”, who was also my classmate. Yuki and Machi were not really close friends but they respected each other. Long story short, I cheated on Yuki. I met with my ex-girlfriend and had one night of… well you know. My ex-girlfriend, Jamie, was single at that time but she knew about Yuki. Naturally, we agreed to keep it a secret. A few days later, when I went to the library to see Yuki in the spot we usually see each other, I saw her crying with a common friend. I tried to talk to Yuki and asked her what was wrong. She didn’t say anything and just continued to cry. Her friend begged me to leave so I did. My heart raced and I became angry. So I called my ex, Jamie, and asked her if she told anybody. She said that she never told anyone and me being a total moron, believed her. Maybe someone saw us? Maybe I sent an incriminating message to someone by accident? Maybe Yuki read the messages on my phone? Maybe someone read the messages on Jamie’s phone? All the possibilities raced through my mind.

After a few days/weeks of silence with Yuki, she confronted me. She sent me a message that she wanted to talk. So I met her. Without hesitation, she told me that she knows about Jamie and I. She asked me if it is true. I lied to her. The worst lie I told in my life. She started to cry and said that someone she trusts told her. She just wanted me to admit it so she can move on with her life. I nodded my head. She started to cry more but now because of anger. I remember how sad and angry she looked. And with one strong swing, she punched my right in my jaw and left. I deserved it.

Most of my friends in class stopped talking to me. I remained silent. Nobody even tried to talk to me nor do I blame them for doing so. Yuki was well loved by our class and now I hurt her. Their love for Yuki soon turned to hatred for me. One day, Machi sent me a message inviting me for drink. She told me that she had something important to tell me. Unaware of the weight she has been carrying, I met her. We started drinking and after she got enough liquid courage, she told me something that I never would have expected. She was the one who told Yuki about Jamie and me. Jamie’s male bestfriend knew about it and because he was courting Machi, he told Machi. And since Machi knew that it was the best thing for everyone, she directly told Yuki.

I was so shocked. But the first thing I did was to hug Machi. I thanked her for doing something I was too afraid of doing. Nobody will ever believe me but after I saw Jamie again, I hated myself for doing so and I wanted to tell Yuki. Machi was my friend for telling Yuki. Machi wanted me to be a man and face reality. I appreciate her for that. I love her for that.

This was around 6 years ago. I asked Yuki for forgiveness and she gave me another chance and we lasted for 4 years. I don’t get to talk with Machi often because she moved to a different country but we would sometimes talk. I dedicate this post to me friend. Machi. Thank you.

 

My Bestfriend

Last Love Letter

14:12
August 7, 2011

Dear ______,

it has been a whild since I last wrote to anyone worth writing to, and I guess I’m trying to express the things that i was not able to say last Aug 4. I’m sure you have your doubts about my feelings and about my intentions and now I’m writting to you to clear up all of those. As I have said, my feelings for you and how I feel about you are sure. I don’t even have to think about it, I didn’t even second guess myself. It was very hard to put into words what I’m feeling and I guess the simplest way to say it is that I really do love you. From the bottom of my heart and with all my being. As cheeesy as it sounds, as cliche as every love story, this is how I feel. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if I may be the lucky guy to give it to you, I’d give it to you in a hearbeat. In the off chance that I may be the person who will be able to make you the happiest crazy person in the world, I’d love to be that guy to make you happy. I know that revealing my feelings for you is a big risk, of loosing communications with you, loosing our friendship for thirteen years, and ultimately loosing you… But in my heart, I know it’s worth the risk. Because I know that even if there is only a small chance for requited love, the rewards will be unimaginable. It’s really worth the risk _____ and I’m now risking all. I’m risking all because I love you. It is really hard not to fall in love with you. You’re a very strong person, a very honest person, you are very kind, very humble and you’re a real person. You’re a driven person. And you’re not driven by your libido, pride, nor greed. You’re driven by your heart. And that alone makes you a person of great worth and value. I know that you probably don’t believe anything I’ve said, but I believe that you trust and know me enough to know that what I say is true.

I knoow, and you’ve expressed enough, that you are scarred. That you are lost. Lost in the world of medicine that you so selflessly entered not for yourself, but for others. I understand that completely. I know that you have sacrificed time, sleep, personal life, social life, family life, love life, food and desires for others and now you have so little to offer others, and even to yourself if you choose to. I am not expecting nor demanding anythings. I told you that me being able to say that I love you now is enough for me. I’m not that of a martir that I don’t hope that you love me too. I hope, but not expect. You may be lost, tired, confused in your life but I hope that you’ll allow me to love you. Allow me to love you despite how you feel about your life and yourself. Allow me to feel as happy as I feel because I love you. And allow yourself to feel my love for you.

Oh how i wish that I’ll be the man to make you feel that you’re the happiest person in the world. How i wish that I am everything and more that you look for in a man. How I wish that I’ll be the man who you’ll turn to when you’re tired. How I wish I could be given the chance to take away all your pains and doubts. I wish that I’ll be the one to bring life back to your heart. I wish I am the one who will make you happy for the rest of your life.

But before anything else, I would like to thank you ______. Thank you for the past thirteen years of hardcore friendship. Through thick and thin, we kept our friendship alive. Since we were young, we grew up together (well, sort of) we shared stories, secrets, tears, laughter, joys and pain. And I always feel lucky to be your friend. You were and always have been honest, as in completely honest with me. And your honesty and openness has always been appreciated. When I think about it, I feel that I am one of the privilaged few that you really openn yourself up to. I really appreciate your honesty with me. Even at the brink of cheos, when I revealed my feelings for you, you were open and honest enough to say that you are lost and not ready to give an answer. I wasn’t able to express my appreciation for you honesty and calmness despite your reaction then. You weren’t hasty to make a decision right then and there that might have cause more harm than good. And for that ______, I thank you.

Hmm… But what if it was never ment to be, so to speak… Thatt would be OK. I’m not the type of person who would force myself on someone. If that would be the case, just please be honest with me. Tell me the truth and be blunt. Don’t worry, I won’t get hurt becasue hurting should be only felt if a person intendt to hurt another. And I know that that is the last thing on your mind… To hurt me. And if this would be the case _____, if things will not work out between us, I ask only one thing from you… If you don’t and can’t love me, that’s fine, but please allow me to love you still.
But what if ______, just what if you do love me too? How would/could that work out between us? Me being a teacher which practically means a different lifestyle compared to an 8 to 5 job, plus a masters student which means goodbye to my nights and weekends too. And you pursuiting your dreams to become a doctor, no need for further explanation. How could this work if ever? Well, in my mind, nothing really change. You’d still be the girl who doesn’t text or call much and have less timt for yourself. You’d go out with your friends, party then sleepless than you should. And I’ld still be here, patiently waiting for you. =) Texting you at times and stopping myself from texting so you won’t feel that I’m too clingy. I’d still battle with myself whenever I see you online in facebook whether I should message you or let you rest because I know that that is one of your few chances to rest. The only thing that would change, for the time being that is and if I’ld be so lucky, is that I’d know you love me, and that you’d know that I love you more…